[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”