I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Before & after 😅
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm