My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Lmfaoooooo
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*