[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
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I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT