An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
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It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.