I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
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Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.