I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
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Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
2022 be like
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Something Saturday.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.