ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
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Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
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Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
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Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
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ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
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Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
lol
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.