*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .