[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
What the dentist sees
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.