7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting