2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy