Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
my fav colour is also hitler
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.