Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
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The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.