I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods