ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
You Might Also Like
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.