My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…