We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
🤣🤣
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.