I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”