I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).