Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD