me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
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So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.