boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Wait a second…
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.