I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
who wants to go expliring
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.