When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
You Might Also Like
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
So the ex texted me
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …