Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I’ve had worse
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
The Wolf of Wall Street.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.