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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad