I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?