Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”