Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence