Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”