*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
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[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”