Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
But wait…
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.