Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”