Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
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[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
my nickname in college
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS