Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet