PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Feel. He’s so soft.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.