Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.