my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..