Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
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[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I’m not proud
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
A roof is a house hat.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.