Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
A small tragedy.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.