“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
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[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice