Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
New Tinder profile.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.