“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Breaking news:
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Worst bar ever.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Snapes on a plane.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.