*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Yes, but it was never about money
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.