Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Am I having a stroke?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!