[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.