No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p