I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My time has come.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH