Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?